'Musings Of A Bearded Buddha'

Buddha in Sanskrit means an enlightened soul.

I knew something was wrong when my father gave me more than his usual disinterested glance, when i returned from Hyderabad. My mother seemed concerned about my health. My sister thought I was uglier than was humanly possible. My father loudly pondered on my civic sense, or the lack of it, rather. That evening I met my college friends after a couple of years and the first question asked was "Why have you changed so much.? What's the matter"? The good natured of the lot promised even me help of any kind.

So what was so different in me that was causing questions to be raised in the parliament? The truth of the matter was, I was growing a thick tuft of the cylindrical, keratinised, often pigmented filaments characteristically growing from the epidermis of a mammal, which if it happens to be growing on the face is often referred to as a beard. And it was this beard that was the source of all the concern and anguish in the family and my close circles.

So the question that immediately occurred to my logical mind was "Why was a beard a problem and why did it raise such extreme reactions from my dear ones."? And this led me to do some detailed research and though the results have been not very conclusive I will go ahead and place my work in the public domain. This work is a part of my on-going effort to sensitise people about that most wonderful of nature's gift to the male, the beard and in the process empower my fellow bearded souls.

The British implanted a lot of stupidities in our society in their 200 years of rule. One of them is the habit of shaving daily. Women who do not visit a beauty parlour may not have an idea, but there can be nothing more stupid than sitting in a barber's shop and allow him to do his stuff on your face. If you want to catch a man at his stupidest, visit him while he is at the barber's having a shave. The most important freedom that the modern Indian male enjoys is his freedom to have a self shave. This was a freedom denied to his ancestors. Now the Indian male is at least allowed to look ridiculous only in the closed confines of his bathroom.

The actual act of the shaving aside, one gets to the more important "need for the shave" question. Since this is a question of importance to any unbiased young man, it automatically leads to what women feel about it. Once upon a time (when i was still not a 'Bearded Buddha'), I decided to grow a beard for the heck of it. Two days on my girlfriend said my stubble looked cute. Seven days into it she asked me to remove it. By the tenth day, she had stopped talking. Three weeks on, I was on the lookout for another girlfriend. The beard turned out to be a super efficient catalyst in the girlfriend ejection dynamics. Even though beard gives men an opportunity to lose nagging wives and girlfriends who are keen to reform and make good souls of them, men being men would not fall for this ruse.

Now however obvious, the importance of a beard is to enlightened folks like me, one still sees the need for stating the positive points about beards for the benefit of the ignorant junta. One point that is way too obvious is that, one does not have to get up early in the morning to have a quick round of shaving. Everyone, except mothers who are housewives, knows the importance of that extra 10 minutes sleep in the morning. That is the time when one really enjoys the sleep. The act of not shaving regularly gives the man that time when he can not only sleep but enjoy it too. This is a pleasure denied to all those who insist on shaving regularly. Further, by adding 10 more minutes to your sleep, you actually adds an hour to the working day. If you don't trust me try reading what the self-help gurus and motivational monks have to say.

Coming to the other benefits of the beard, a good beard automatically creates respect. A thick beard almost always bestows on the owner, a look of importance. Even the more rational of the observers would be led to believe that the bearded man wearing a blue shirt whom she saw at the market was an world renown psychiatrist, requested by the UNO to help the tsunami victims. Such is the aura that a good beard grants its carrier. And in case you just have a faded looking thin impostor of a beard, do not worry. Such beards generate sympathy for their master, which is good especially if the master is a hypochondriac. People invariably will sympathise with such people. "Poor fellow probably has some serious ailment”. That is why all the heartbroken Devdas's of the world have beards. They are desperately looking out for sympathy.

History has time and again proved that the intelligentsia, the great men, the men who matter most, all have beards. Marx had a huge beard and so did Tagore. So did Galileo and Abdus Salam. Lenin, Che Guvera, Ho Chi Minh, Sivaji, Guru Nanak, Leanardo Da Vinci, Viv Richards, Bishen Singh Bedi.....the list is endless. Can one imagine Jesus Christ or Prophet Mohammed or Valmiki or the million other Rishis without a beard? Even normally clean shaven men become more majestic and dignified when they sport a beard. Look no further than Kamal Hassan. He sported a beard for 'Nammavar'. Wow, didn't he look macho and dignified.

But even with so many positive points to speak for the beard, the poor thing has not got many supporters. The popularity of the beard has been declining with time. Society on the whole and women specifically have brainwashed most men into believing that the beard is an unwanted relic from the Neanderthal past. Some men I know even believe that the social hierarchy has to be based on the frequency of your shave.

So the question that is poised in front of the champions of the bearded brethren is, how to stop such fascists from taking over the planet. Reality is that they have already taken over most of it. But then the battle is never lost till the last soldier falls. All the remaining bearded folks of the world unite. Awake, arise and rest not till the beard retains its rightful position as the symbol of masculinity. Amen.

Attaboy Kamal

"Amazing...just amazing"....these was the first words that left my mouth when I finished reading Kamal's shortstory in Vikatan. "aNaya neruppu" is as good as it can get. I have always been a bit sceptical about Kamal's Tamil. He never seems to keep it simple. But his earlier column in Vikatan "Love Pannuda Mavune" seemed to prove me wrong. This one definitely mad me eat my doubts.

I actually felt very bad that I had not thought of this link between the mythologies. I fancy myself as an expert in the Indian Mythology. But this time I had to bow to the Big K. What is really interesting is Kamal's interest in Indian Mythology and religion, inspite of his claims to be an atheist( I personally think he is currently an agnostic and not an atheist.). Illayaraja claims that Kamal can quote easily from Divya Prabandham( a sacred work of the Vaishnavites). And what is really surprising is some of the best spiritual and religious songs in Tamil cinema have come in Kamal's movies.
Maasura Ponne Varuga( Thevar Magan), Sriranga ranagnathanin Patham( Mahanadi), Paartha Vizhi Paartha Padi(Guna), Anda Kandamani Osai Ketturuchu(Virumandi), Isiayil Thodanguthamma (Hey Ram) and the all time favourite Yaar Yaar Sivam (Anbe Sivam).
My only wish is Kamal be as original in movies as he is in his short stories.

Attaboy Kamal!!!!

SOUP your way to unhealth

Dedicated to Corey Ford whose "My Physical Unfitness Excercise" inspired me to write this piece. Corey Ford wrote this article in Reader's Digest way back in the 1980's.


This morning I met Mr Malhotra at the park. He claimed that his day started with an hour of jogging. “Sridhar, jogging is the best thing for the body. If you want to have a healthy and fit body, better jog daily. All these lazybones come to the park everyday to just walk. Of what use is walking? Do you know that simply by jogging an hour everyday, you could……………..” and what followed was a lecture demonstration of how jogging keeps one’s joints, muscles, tissues, ligaments, knee caps, cells, mitochondria, nuclei and other junk in the body active, fit and healthy.( And I all along had been thinking that the human body was made up of just bones and muscles.)
So what is my problem if the old man gave a few useful tips, the irritated reader might ask. Four months back, Mr Malhotra had claimed the same thing about walking. Back then he claimed vociferously that if one walks an hour everyday, one could keep the doctor away. If only time travel was possible, I would gladly take the irate reader back in time to various points in the past where Mr Malhotra had claimed the same things about running, cycling, skipping, sack race, frog race and other lower forms of physical exertion generally prescribed for kindergarten kids. But before I could raise that point, I realised to my chagrin, that the topic of conversation had turned to my belly or to be more specific my pot belly.

My pot belly is not very huge and is generally nondescript. Had I entered a competition for pot bellies I am sure I would not have won a prize. But still it was a nice little belly and I was proud of it. Mr Malhotra gave my protruding ‘lipose luggage’ a stern and disapproving glance and said “Sridhar my boy, what are you doing about that thing of yours?” I was offended. Here I was feeling nice about my belly and the old man I was trying to humour, goes on to deride my prized possession as just “this thing”. But for decency’s sake I kept quiet. Unfortunately my decency only acted as a stimulant and Mr Malhotra rambled on incessantly for a couple of hours. But even at the risk of losing the irritated reader who has by now placed her complete loyalty on Mr Malhotra’s side, I will not divulge the details of the “Malhotra Monologues”.

But rest assured dear reader, that the Monologue was more about how the girls of yesteryears (however fashion non-conscious or should I say fashion unconscious) were more careful about their weight and figure as compared to the girls of this age who though extremely fashion conscious, are not necessarily careful about their weight. The various weight reducing exercises were only touched upon in passing.

But I have rambled on for too long without justifying the title. As the intelligent reader would have guessed by now, I belong to the anti fitness wing. What is the issue all about, I ask? Why are we making a big fuss over a few extra inches in the waist line? Life is to be enjoyed. And one can’t possibly enjoy it by worrying constantly about the waist line or by huffing and puffing away at the gymkhana. Wouldn’t that after all, be a case of all sweat, no gain (pun unintended). So to all those who are cynical and skeptical about the fitness fad that seems to be going around, I dedicate this 4-step method to physical unfitness.

1. Get a pack of your favourite brand of potato chips and keep munching.
2. Get hold of that wonderful invention of man, the hammock. If not atleast get hold of an easy-chair.
3. Make yourself comfortable inside the hammock and pull a hat over your face after you finish the pack of chips.
4. And snooze your way to bliss.

For the larger good of humanity, I have not patented this method. But I trust all will refer to this as the Sridhar’s Original Unfitness Program or in short SOUP.