SOUP your way to unhealth

Dedicated to Corey Ford whose "My Physical Unfitness Excercise" inspired me to write this piece. Corey Ford wrote this article in Reader's Digest way back in the 1980's.


This morning I met Mr Malhotra at the park. He claimed that his day started with an hour of jogging. “Sridhar, jogging is the best thing for the body. If you want to have a healthy and fit body, better jog daily. All these lazybones come to the park everyday to just walk. Of what use is walking? Do you know that simply by jogging an hour everyday, you could……………..” and what followed was a lecture demonstration of how jogging keeps one’s joints, muscles, tissues, ligaments, knee caps, cells, mitochondria, nuclei and other junk in the body active, fit and healthy.( And I all along had been thinking that the human body was made up of just bones and muscles.)
So what is my problem if the old man gave a few useful tips, the irritated reader might ask. Four months back, Mr Malhotra had claimed the same thing about walking. Back then he claimed vociferously that if one walks an hour everyday, one could keep the doctor away. If only time travel was possible, I would gladly take the irate reader back in time to various points in the past where Mr Malhotra had claimed the same things about running, cycling, skipping, sack race, frog race and other lower forms of physical exertion generally prescribed for kindergarten kids. But before I could raise that point, I realised to my chagrin, that the topic of conversation had turned to my belly or to be more specific my pot belly.

My pot belly is not very huge and is generally nondescript. Had I entered a competition for pot bellies I am sure I would not have won a prize. But still it was a nice little belly and I was proud of it. Mr Malhotra gave my protruding ‘lipose luggage’ a stern and disapproving glance and said “Sridhar my boy, what are you doing about that thing of yours?” I was offended. Here I was feeling nice about my belly and the old man I was trying to humour, goes on to deride my prized possession as just “this thing”. But for decency’s sake I kept quiet. Unfortunately my decency only acted as a stimulant and Mr Malhotra rambled on incessantly for a couple of hours. But even at the risk of losing the irritated reader who has by now placed her complete loyalty on Mr Malhotra’s side, I will not divulge the details of the “Malhotra Monologues”.

But rest assured dear reader, that the Monologue was more about how the girls of yesteryears (however fashion non-conscious or should I say fashion unconscious) were more careful about their weight and figure as compared to the girls of this age who though extremely fashion conscious, are not necessarily careful about their weight. The various weight reducing exercises were only touched upon in passing.

But I have rambled on for too long without justifying the title. As the intelligent reader would have guessed by now, I belong to the anti fitness wing. What is the issue all about, I ask? Why are we making a big fuss over a few extra inches in the waist line? Life is to be enjoyed. And one can’t possibly enjoy it by worrying constantly about the waist line or by huffing and puffing away at the gymkhana. Wouldn’t that after all, be a case of all sweat, no gain (pun unintended). So to all those who are cynical and skeptical about the fitness fad that seems to be going around, I dedicate this 4-step method to physical unfitness.

1. Get a pack of your favourite brand of potato chips and keep munching.
2. Get hold of that wonderful invention of man, the hammock. If not atleast get hold of an easy-chair.
3. Make yourself comfortable inside the hammock and pull a hat over your face after you finish the pack of chips.
4. And snooze your way to bliss.

For the larger good of humanity, I have not patented this method. But I trust all will refer to this as the Sridhar’s Original Unfitness Program or in short SOUP.